our infertility journey

There is something I have had on my heart to blog about for the past number of months. I didn't know at first if it was important or not, but I kept getting little nudges from the Lord reminding me of the idea to once again be vulnerable on my blog, for all to read. I'm not trying to "air my dirty laundry". But the truth that I am reminded of time and time again is that this is BIGGER THAN ME. There are things happening in this journey of mine that are so much bigger and greater than me. In the end, it is not about ME, it is about JESUS.
Last week I was doing the dishes and felt OVERCOME by the need to write and share and let it be known what the Lord is doing in my life. I wept. At the same time, I got a text from a dear friend saying she was thinking and praying for me. I got goosebumps because the kind of CLARITY I was currently experiencing was so beyond me, it was something that could only be brought on from prayer. So here I am.

Last October, Ryan and I decided we would like to try to have kids. We began trying immediately. We had NO IDEA what we were in for. I was finally in a healthy, stable place after suffering from bipolar for years. You can read about that here. Little did we know this next year would be so difficult, filled with endless tears, disappointment and worry.
This month marks month 13 of our trying to conceive journey, with no success. At times throughout the winter the journey was so hard that we "took a month off" here and there, but really, we were still hoping it would happen.
13 months filled with hope and let down, hope and let down. 13 times I felt like I lost something every month. Every month it feels like a piece of me dies. Every month I grieve and cry and suffer great disappointment. And every month, woman all around me announce they are pregnant and give birth.
It has left me with so many questions. Why do some people get pregnant first try and others take years to conceive or can never have children? Why do some woman get pregnant as a result of rape and yet others live their whole lives wanting a baby and can never have one? Where is God's hand in this? How can God allow this to happen? Is God even good?
Is GOD even good?
Is God even GOOD?

Many months I questioned and doubted God's goodness and God's provision in my life. I was filled with uncertainty. Could I really trust God?
So I prayed. I prayed God would change my heart to see His goodness. It was my goal to declare that God is good BEFORE I got pregnant. I didn't want to only be able to proclaim His goodness once I got what I wanted, once I got pregnant. I kept having this image of a little girl throwing a temper tantrum because she wasnt getting what she wanted. That was me. I wanted to enter into a place of trust that my FATHER KNOWS, my Father knows best, my Father LOVES me.
I can't remember a time in my life where I surrendered so completely to God. I surrendered my long, drawn-out, perfectly worded prayers, and collapsed into Jesus' arms just as I was, speechless, heart wrenching, filled with desire to see His goodness.
And you guys, this crazy thing happened! He answered my prayers! Slowly, here and there, I would find myself thinking "God IS good". The breeze coming in through the window that was warmed by the sun, setting my eyes on all my real close friendships, moments of overwhelming intimacy with my Lord. It is happening, the Lord is strengthening me like never before. Is it still painful? HELL YES! Does my heart still ache when I see friends pregnant bellies grow? YES!
But I now have this HOPE and TRUST in God.
To me, hope is not only that we will one day soon have a baby of our own, but that even if in 5 years from now we are baby-less, I will be able to say that GOD IS GOOD, He is good amidst the pain, He is working in this journey of infertility and changing me, growing me, strengthening me, teaching me, revealing Himself to me like never before.

So here I am.
I've collapsed into the arms of Jesus. I am in pain, but I am healing. I am struggling, but I am trusting in His timing. I am worried something serious is wrong, but I will focus on the present moment. I am jealous, oh so jealous of pregnant ladies and mommies, but I will not let my desire for what I want make me forget the things I have.

Im inviting you to journey with me, to pray with me, and to be encouraged. Whatever you are facing today, rest in the truth that God is good in the painful unchanging.

"Whenever we begin to feel
as if we can no longer go on,
whispers in our ears
to remind us that
we are 
-Robert M Hensel