my infertility meditation, hope and hurt

I have been meditating on these lyrics for weeks now. This song, oh, it is so powerful. I remember being SO touched by these words when I was in the trenches of bipolar. And now they are speaking to me on a whole other level.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name

Keep my eyes above the waves

My soul will rest in Your embrace

I am Yours and You are mine

You guys, this is my prayer!

God is the ONLY one who can calm this storm. When the waves are crashing all around me, just when I think Im going to drown, I see Him, walking on the water towards me. He has invited me to TRUST HIM in this incredible MYSTERY. It is so beyond me.

So I will call on Him, I will cry out for Him, I am desperate before the only one who can comfort me. When oceans rise all around me, I will keep looking at Him. Questions? Yes. Doubts? yes. Unbelief? Yes. But I am asking Jesus to enter into my unbelief, to change me, to make my faith stronger.

And you guys, when FEAR SURROUNDS me! When fear surrounds me, I am reminded HE HAS NEVER FAILED!!! And HE WILL NOT START NOW!

It is my prayer, my longing, to have a trust in Jesus that is without borders. To have a trust that doesn't stop at the border of a negative pregnancy test. A trust that goes further than the border of jealousy, a trust that goes further than the border of infertility, a trust that goes past EVERY border. I pray that the Spirit would LEAD me there, it not somewhere I can go on my own. I do not have the strength or determination or faith to go there on my own, but I believe He can get me there, if only glimpses here and there, I will cling to those glimpses. 

I keep getting this image of what goes on in the early stages of pregnancy. After the egg is fertilized it makes its journey to the uterus, where it spends the next 9 months. The fertilized egg (now called a blastocyst) implants itself into the wall of the uterus. This is how it receives oxygen and nutrients from the mother in order to grow. In a healthy pregnancy, it will create a safe, warm, perfect environment for the baby to grow. That is the image I have continually about what it means to be in the presence of my Saviour. I am IMPLANTED in Jesus, and His arms are warm and safe and heavenly. 

I read a quote today that made me cringe when I first read it, but after sinking into it, I saw its truth. Its terrible, wonderful truth....

"I have learned to kiss the wave that slams me into the Rock of Ages" Charles Spurgeon

It is my desire, that our struggle to have a baby will only push me closer to Jesus. I want Jesus.

And you guys, I can say all this, and it sounds so "Holy" but I am saying this with a HURTING HEART. it HURTS LIKE HELL! It is SCARY! Right now, I am in the two week wait. Which is the time after you've ovulated and had a chance to conceive, until the time your period does or doesnt come. It is the worst. I hate the TWW. But there are some things I know about myself now. I know that during the TWW I am usually filled with hope that this will be the month, I try not to let myself go there and get false hope, but as much as I try, it's always there somewhere. As hard as these 2 weeks are, I am usually in a positive, good state of mind. But then, Aunt Flo comes around and I AM CRUSHED. And I mean CRUSHED. That is the day when all the real shit hits the fan, all the big questions and doubts arise, all the anger at God comes out. That is the day I buy a box of wine and listen to loud music until I collapse on the floor in my own puddle (literally) of tears. 

Maybe this is all TMI for you, but maybe this is true for you, or someone you know. This is why I share, to let those people know they are not alone, and even on that dreadful day when Aunt Flo comes, God is good. He is good even when we can't acknowledge it. I'll leave you with one other quote I heard recently. 

"When you hide your weakness, you hide His strength"