laparoscopy results

Hey everyone!

First of all I want to thank everyone for sharing in the enthusiasm of my new website! It was a much needed over-haul, and I'm so pleased with the finished product!

I know a lot of you are curious about my results from the laparoscopy i had a few weeks back, and I am ready to share now. But I want to make one thing clear first: it's not easy for me to share such a personal, and often painful journey. I love it when Brene Brown says "share with those who have earned the right to hear your story". While there are some details of our journey that I like to keep private, among close family and friends, I feel deeply compelled to share with you, because I know what it's like to feel alone. In my walk with bipolar, and now infertility, I am very  aware of how much we hide, and cower, in fear or shame over our stories. So I share my story with you, in hopes that it will help you feel like you're not alone, or provide validation or encouragement in YOUR story, whatever that may be. 

So, my results: I was told by my gynaecologist, right after surgery, that there were some abnormalities when looking around my uterus with the camera. When the proceeded to pump the blue dye through my fallopian tubes (this is to help them see if there are blockages, or junk in the tubes, or if they are twisted etc), NO DYE was even able to make it into my tubes. So, both tubes are completely blocked. And well.... if you're not familiar with female anatomy, it basically means none of husbands little swimmers are getting where they need to be! Crap! My gynaecologist then went on to say she would refer us to a local fertility clinic and IVF would be our only option. There are SLIM chances they could remove the blockages in my tubes, but because the blockages are so major, it is not likely. So.... IVF....
Up until the day of surgery, I had been quite vocal about not wanting to do IVF, I didn't want to have to pay 10,000 (minimum) or go through that whole process and then NOT BE GAURANTEED a baby at the end of it all. But suddenly, after hearing that we cannot have children, without the help of modern science, it became an option. 
The past few weeks have been filled with a lot of pain, both physical and emotion. My body did not heal quickly after surgery and it was quite discouraging for a while. With the focus being primarily on feeling physically crappy, it delayed emotional processing for a while. But once I started feeling better, the sudden, tidal-wave like emotion of grief swept over me. The emotional pain was so strong, it took my breath away. I was realizing there would now be NO HOPE during the two week wait, that my dream of having a baby would be prolonged greatly (if it was even possible), that I would have to endure injections and pain and bruises and emotional instability, and financial stress, all to receive something some people get for free, with little effort. It doesn't seem "fair". 
One of the hardest pieces of the last few weeks have been talking to people about the results. It is SO, SO painful when someone replies with "But at least you can still carry babies"...."why don't you adopt?"... "At least there is such a thing as IVF" .... "the positive thing is that...." Now I know they probably have good intentions, but all I hear when someone replies with fluffy positives is "it's not okay to be sad"... it's as if they take away your permission in that conversation to grieve and be real and be sad. 
For those first few days of strong grieving, I didn't want to be grateful! I wanted to FEEL, and allow myself to be sad. I KNEW that gratitude and hope would come, but for that time, I needed to cry without judgment and without restriction. This was an experience that really taught me how to respond to someone going through pain.... the best thing someone could say to me was "I'm so sorry to hear that, that must be so hard". I am also TERRIBLE at asking for things, so people just RESPONDING with action (like bringing supper, flowers, a bottle of wine etc) means a GREAT deal to me. 

So where do things stand now?
I am still waiting to hear when my referral to the fertility clinic will go through, and then we wait to get an appt with the fertility clinic where hopefully more questions will be answered and we will see if IVF really is the next best step for us... You guys, I am not going to lie, the road ahead seems LONG and it seems HARD and some days I don't feel like I have the strength. But other days I am able to find gratitude, I am able to find the courage to stop comparing my journey to those around me, I am able to feel JOY when snuggling with fresh newborn babies. I have doubted and I have questioned, but my foundation remains. I believe in God's soverign and perfect timing, and I will trust Him, whatever comes my way. 
This song has been on repeat for like 6 days (Ryan can testify, and complain), but it SUMS UP MY VOICE TO A TEE! My prayer for this journey is these words...
 

"I have no words to say
Don’t know what I should pray
God, I need You
God, I need You
Oh Lord, my faith is tired
And tears fill up my eyes
But I will trust You, I will trust You

Whatever comes my way
You have taught me to say

Amen, let Your kingdom come
Amen, let Your will be done
And through the rise and fall
You’re God above it all
Amen, we’re singing Amen

When I can barely stand
You strengthen me again
I will seek You, I will seek You
Though troubles may arise
My hands reach to the skies
I will praise You, I will praise You

Whatever comes my way
You have taught me to say

Amen, let Your kingdom come
Amen, let Your will be done
And through the rise and fall
You’re God above it all
Amen, we’re singing Amen
We’re singing Amen

From everlasting to everlasting
From everlasting to everlasting
From everlasting to everlasting
From everlasting to everlasting
Amen

Amen, let Your kingdom come
Amen, let Your will be done
And through the rise and fall
You’re God above it all
Amen, we’re singing Amen
We’re singing Amen"

Amen by I Am They